Dear How Do We Tell My Dad What He Must Do
Dear M,
My mother and father moved several years ago to the Carolinas to enjoy the warmth and lifestyle. Within two years, my mother was diagnosed with Cancer and passed away. My father seemed to be doing pretty well until about a year ago. On the phone, I sensed something different. It was hard to pinpoint. I became more concerned. He talked about so many topics in a cogent fashion. However, he couldn’t recall what we talked about 20 minutes later.
The holidays were coming so I told him that I wanted to drive down and bring him back. He was reluctant at first but then agreed. When I got to his home, I realized that my suspicions were founded. He had a weird assortment of food; fresh and not, bills and papers that were not in order, his clothing was in disarray and I could see that the toaster oven had possibly been left on too long. I helped him pack up and we headed to Massachusetts. My wife was home working remotely and our kids were home from college because of COVID-19. As my father’s memory continued to worsen, we convinced him to stay through the first of the year. Time has been passing. We now want him to stay here. My wife and I are beside ourselves. How do we tell my Dad what he must do?
Dear Should I Step In,
This is one of the toughest questions that adult children have to ask themselves. You think about it so much. You may find yourself distracted while working. Your sleep may be interrupted given this unsettled business. You may be thinking what right do you have to take charge and tell your father what he is now going to do in his life. You may think about how your parents steered you in many directions and told you outright what to do for many years without flinching. BUT.
Why is it that for an adult child, it can be so anxiety-provoking and seemingly disrespectful to do the same? Because they are your parents and you are their child. That is a simple fact. In our society, depending upon culture, children, parents and sometimes grandparents live in one house attending to one another’s needs. For other families, there is more of an arm’s length relationship. Not necessarily based on not getting along, but rather based on autonomy and independence.
Here’s the difference. You are describing your father presenting himself in a compromised fashion with obvious cognitive changes. The extent of impairment can only be determined with a thorough workup by specialists. (This is recommended in your father’s circumstance.) You saw his living situation and felt that he needed protection. It is so difficult when you are not necessarily able to reason with him, explain what your intentions are and to have him understand and agree. He might be able to do so in the moment but from what you have said, his short term memory is such that he will not hold onto this as a plan.
You might consider engaging experts in the aging arena to assist you in this process that is bound to be challenging. To have a professional by your side to guide you, advise you, provide choices and develop a plan of care will prove invaluable. That expert may meet with your father alone and with you. It may help to record these conversations and/or have your father write down what has been said so that you will be able to share this with him at times when he has no recollection and may not fathom why he is living somewhere else.
If you are your father’s Health Care Proxy, you may need to “use your power” to do what you believe is in his best interest. You will have choices. You will make many decisions that will be “best” for your whole family. This is about all of you.
Hold in your heart that you are taking the best care of him that you know how and that you are doing so in good faith with good intentions. It may not be easy. But in the end, you will have “done right by him and others who he loves and is loved by.”
