Dear Do I Tell Them What Is Happening
Dear M,
My wife and I have been together for 43 years. We were married 10 years ago when the law changed to permit same sex marriages. We met in graduate school while studying for advanced degrees. We were attracted to one another’s intellect and open hearts. Our years have been full of academia in a prestigious university and travel to extraordinary places. We collected marvelous items that to this day bring back wonderful memories for both of us. Her long term memory holds. Her short term memory is non-existent. Our lives turned upside down a handful of years ago when she was acting differently and was diagnosed with dementia. We know so many people. Do I outright tell them what is happening?
Dear Do I Tell Them What Is Happening,
Let us start with “normalizing” this experience by asking more questions. Knowing your spouse as well as you do, would she want you to share with others the cognitive changes she has experienced and you have endured? Why would you share this information? If she had heart disease, would you be asking this question? Maybe. If she had Parkinson’s Disease or another chronic condition that “showed,” would you tell people why she had a tremor or why her gait was noticeably different? Hmmm. Much to ponder.
If you were to share this information, for whose benefit would you be doing so? Would it be for you? For your spouse? For your friends, chosen family and colleagues? Who are you making more or less comfortable? Is there shame involved? Are you wanting other’s support? This varies person to person and couple to couple within the community in which one resides. The use of the word “community” is not limited to where you live. I am referring to your community. This could be a combination of factors in your lives that bring you to identify or feel most comfortable and active within. This could be faith based, college/grad school alumni-based, work related, race, age, LGBTQ or a host of others.
Over countless years of practice professionally and as a human being on this planet, I would suggest that you share what has been happening with your spouse, its effect on her daily functioning and the changes you are experiencing. Be clear in your mind, if you can be, what you may or may not be looking for from them. Would it be helpful to you if they were to be empathic? Would you like some people to offer emotional support? To offer practical items? Give you some respite time so that you have an opportunity to “recharge?” There are so many reactions to expect. You may be surprised by the verbal response or actions of some people. Sometimes, certain individuals have a tough time with differences and can’t always step up to the plate. Others will “show up.”
As time goes on, having your full “circle of support” will be the very best “prescription” for the two of you.
