Dear What Could I Say to Grandmother
Dear M,
I visited my grandmother the other day and noticed for the first time that she wasn’t dressed as she usually does and her hair was not brushed. Her home was straightened up. She had the tea kettle on to make tea for the two of us. But her appearance was very different. I felt really uncomfortable saying anything directly about her appearance. I think that it would either hurt her feelings or she might get really defensive. She is a strong-minded person. What could I say to grandmother?
Dear What Could I Say to Grandmother,
You could say a number of things to her. If you are more comfortable being a bit indirect, you could scout around by going to her bathroom under the guise of using it to look around. Do you see evidence of showering? Is the shower curtain or door aside or ajar? Is it damp? Is her bath towel or hand towel damp? Look at her toothbrush. Is it wet? Of course, depending upon the time of day, you may not get an accurate picture. Let’s say that you are there in the morning and you see that it appears that she is attending to her bathing. That’s good. She may intentionally bathe only certain days of the week. You may have to visit her a few times before you start to draw any conclusions.
How about her hair brush? Her blow dryer if she uses one. Is it out of place? Does that mean anything? Probably not. Is there still a rubber-backed mat (please) in her bathroom? Is it on the floor? Is it damp or dry? Casually look in her bedroom closet to get a sense of how she is keeping her clothing. Any different from usual? Are you able to see her laundry? Do you know when she does her laundry? Once a week? A certain day?
Why am I suggesting that you be a bit of a detective? To preserve her sense of autonomy and dignity. You want to avoid being as direct as possible. However, if after a number of visits, you notice that she may not be bathing, you might get into a casual conversation in this domain about yourself. You might talk about your dry skin and how you try to remember to put cream on your skin after bathing but you often don’t. You might ask her what she does when she takes a shower? Talk about how you have read that it isn’t necessarily good to shower every day or even a couple times a week because of dryness. See if she shares with you what she does.
The same with hair and other grooming. Maybe you can comment on how so many people, especially during the pandemic are at home and just aren’t bothering to fix their hair or get dressed up at all. See what she has to say. Take off on what your grandmother says and see if you can do a bit more investigating.
Why do all of this? The major reason is to be sure that her possible lack of hygiene will not lead to an infection. You also want to catch what is happening now so that she does not start to have an odor. She certainly wouldn’t want her friends experiencing this and staying away. Also, because it could be a sign of cognitive change. Maybe she isn’t seemingly aware that she is not attending to her hygiene. So, stay the course. Keep your eyes and ears open…at least for now.
