Dear What Is Happening with My Grandchild
Dear M,
I am 86 years young and like to think that I am understanding and kind and supportive to my family and friends. I need help in understanding what is happening to my granddaughter who was always the sweetest girl and now I hear from my daughter that my granddaughter does not feel right as a girl and is in the process of changing from a girl to a boy. She also wants to be called Eli and go by “he.” Can you explain what is happening with my granddaughter? I just don’t know what to do.
Dear What Is Happening with My Grandchild,
It is wonderful that you are curious about how to best support your grandchild. Based on what you have shared with me, it sounds like your grandchild is exploring his identity and is in transition. As part of that process, he would like to go by a new name and be referred to as “he” instead of “she”. This can be very confusing for family. It is okay to have doubts and concerns. It is special that your daughter and your grandchild are trusting you with such sensitive information. You now have an opportunity to support Eli in his journey of becoming who he authentically is.
Sex and gender, though often conflated, are two different things. Someone’s sex assigned at birth is typically male or female but gender identity is separate from that and experienced by the individual. Based on what you have shared, it sounds like your grandchild was assigned female at birth, and raised as a female, but his gender identity is male. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him or how he was raised. In fact, it’s the opposite; acknowledging his identity will have positive effects on his future! Studies show that children whose families are supportive of their identity development are just as happy and healthy as their peers.
If you are interested in learning more about gender identity and connecting with other grandparents who may be having similar experiences, I encourage you to try a free (virtual) group through PFLAG or Gender Spectrum. Alternatively, there are great books and resources on the subject that you could read from the comfort of home. Most importantly I want you to remember Eli is the same child you have always known and loved, just with some different labels, and you can love him just the same.
