Dear What Do I Owe To My Stepmother
Dear M,
My father and stepmother have grown older together but it is really not going well. They married when the four of us were in college and beyond. We didn’t live with her. My Dad says that her mind has really changed since her stroke a handful of years ago and he just can’t care for her anymore. Apparently, he has not been telling us about how she acts with him. She gets very upset and yells and picks at him and physically comes at him. My siblings and I are really worried about my Dad. My brothers and sister just saw them after this year of the pandemic and were taken aback to see the changes in both of them. Honestly, we have never cared for his wife but we have been cordial. Dad has just told us that “he is done” and doesn’t want to live with her anymore.
We have no problem helping my Dad out and making sure he is doing okay but we really don’t feel that we should have to do much for her. She never had her own children. What do I owe to my stepmother?
Dear What Do I Owe To My Stepmother,
Only you really know the answer but since you have asked me, I will put forth some thoughts about this type of circumstance. Your father’s wife did not care for you as children. She came into your father’s life when you were young adults. You mentioned that you never really liked her. Therefore, I am not getting any sense of fuzziness, warmth, admiration, love…am I on the right track?
When stepchildren and a stepparent do not have an evolving relationship based in compassion, concern and care, it is often challenging when parents are living in later life. It is one thing if children feel that they were taken care of by a parent and now want to give back in a genuine loving manner. If however, there are less than amorous feelings toward and/or from/to a stepparent, it is fertile ground for complicated factors to be in the mix.
It might make sense to speak with your father and siblings about how as a family he is planning to handle this “separation” and whether or not he envisions any one of you playing an active role. Is it possible that one of your siblings may feel a bit different toward her and would be helpful in helping her through this transition? If none of you feel that you have the emotional bandwidth to do so, then who can be pulled in?
You said that she does not have children. Does she have living siblings or nieces and nephews that might step in to provide support to her? In the end, your father will be taken care of in the best possible way. For your stepmother, if there is not a relative, then you may want to suggest a Professional Care Consultant/Manager to guide her through this time in her life.
